It’s said bad things happen in threes, but lately pain and grief has felt like a tsunami coming in never-ending waves. Every time I open social media there is a death of a friend/friend’s parent/baby, a cancer diagnosis, a catastrophe happening around the world or around the corner. It’s getting unbearable. The other day, I opened the manners column of a favorite magazine and saw someone ask what to say to someone who is grieving. I found the manners consultant’s answer to be polite but inadequate, especially having heard well-intentioned comments directed my way.
So instead of the one-liner, impersonal, generic “I’m sorry for your loss”, “praying for you”, “heaven gained an angel/ he’s in a better place”, here are some ideas to help you comfort someone in their time of grief. The key is to be genuine. Saying nothing is better than saying something meaningless, or something perceived as throw-away.
- Offer an expression of solidarity. “I hate cancer so much.”
- Use your own experience of loss to relate and convey understanding of the situation they are in. “When my dad died, the world stopped for us, as I’m sure it has for you. It’s a really, really hard place to be in.”
- Tell them how you are feeling, how you are partaking in their grief. “My heart aches for you. Your grandma was so sweet. I loved seeing her at all our games growing up!”
- Offer something tangible in a time that you feel helpless. “Can I go with you to appointments?” “Can I bring you a meal?” “I lost my favorite dog last year and would love to hear stories about yours if you want to talk about her.”
- “I prayed for you every time I woke up last night. Thinking of you as you make funeral preparations.”
I’m not being critical, but I feel lots of frustration when I see 69 comments on a post about something that has happened and the majority of them say something impersonal. We can do better. We can truly be there for someone who is hurting. All it takes is a vulnerable, personal note from us.
